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AHEM...

 

Pam Ward

Humor Columnist

  ....Ahem... Hey ya’lls! I’m baaaaaaack, took me long enough didn’t it? I hope I can remember how to do this. First I got to get comfy... Fuzzy slippers—check... Icy cold coke—check-check. One tiny little single Hershey’s Kiss-- checkarooni.  AHEM, WHAT?  Just kidden. Make that one large size bag of Hershey’s Kisses. It is just past Valentines Day after all and believe you me, the only kisses I got this whole year were from Hershey. Last year too actually. What can I say, I’d rather eat kisses than get/give them.

  Wonder if Mr. Hershey had anything to do with the fact that it seems my –ahem- how shall I put this, my BEHIND (that’s right, I said it, my behind. At least I didn’t say my BUTT for heavens sake!) has gotten just the tiniest bit closer to the arms of this chair  than when last we spoke. Either that or the chair has shrunk... Gotta be the chair right? I knew ya’ll would agree. For all of my Facebook friends who sense a little day-jaa-voo, yes, I have in fact mentioned on facebook this exact dilemma about the arms of this chair getting closer together, kind of like how the toilet in mamas’ bathroom continually moves closer and closer to the wall in there. It’s a conspiracy I say. A conspiracy started by skinny people because... well I don’t rightly know why, it just is. The world is made for the skinny, am I right?  I wish I wasn’t but alas, I’m afraid I am. Anyyyway, I digress.  Where were we, oh yes, right here, in this slightly smaller fitting chair, which, I do have to admit is a bit distracting. I mean come on, I gave up getting on that hateful bathroom scale a few months back but here it is again, another reminder that there may be just the slightest bit more of Pammy to love. But when you (or rather I) put it that way who can complain? Sounds like it might could even be a good thing, well if one were a lover of Pammy I guess, which of course, everyone reading this absolutely is, am I right?!

  I wasn’t planning on going off on a tangent about my shrinking chair, I bout near used up all my words and I haven’t even started telling ya’ll what I’ve been doing these past few months. Like the exciting trip I took to Borneo to hang out with some orangutans in the rain forest.  There’s even a TV show about it called “Orangutan Island” on Animal Planet every morning. Except I’m not on it. Because I only went there through the magic of my TV, *sigh*.  It’s probably just as well, I can only imagine the size of the spiders and gnats and other flying and buzzing things in Borneo. Best I just watch from the safety of my slightly too small chair.

  Better yet, from my bed where there are no sides growing inward to remind me of my increasing voluptuous fabulousness. Ya’ll buying that? It could happen...

 

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