Pam Ward Humor Columnist

  It’s that time again, time for me to enthrall everyone with my wise and maybe even brilliant (I wouldn’t hold my breath for brillian though...) thoughts for the day, or week, or every other week even.  I’m somewhat bored today and was playing around with the computer here and decided to try something called “justify” which supposedly makes my columns end in a straight line on the right side just like on the left. I’ve never noticed this feature before and to my great surprise, it’s working. Well it’s sort of working. It worked for two lines so it’s not completely NOT working.  Not so much not working that I’d call it an “epic fail” or anything. I do like to use that term, “epic fail” though (why didn’t I invent it anyway?) and since many times it applies to me and things I’m attempting to do, or attempting to make or participate in, I’ve had the opportunity to use it on quite a regular basis. As in “Wow, I just tried to do a split in the middle of the frozen food aisle at Ingles and it was a complete and total EPIC FAIL.” As if that could happen, right? It makes perfect sense that if I wanted to do a split in the frozen food aisle that I should be able to do so. But alas, I could not. Maybe it was because I was attempting to do it while holding a Stouffer’s single-serving macaroni and cheese entree in one hand and a Marie Calendar’s chicken pot pie in the other, (like pom-poms if you will). They were a bit off on the weights though so that was probably it.  Then again, I never have been able to do a split, even back when it mattered, like oh around 1974-ish. I remember trying, trying, and splitting more than one good pair of old and faded bell bottom blue jeans. I always was a frustrated cheerleader at heart. Apparently, I still am considering that little escapade in the frozen food section. The worst part?  Two other customers had to assist hefting me up from the cold tile floor, which was the tiniest bit embarrassing. Not because of the epic failure of the split but because after it was all said and done I did not put the frozen items back in their proper places, I just shoved them both on top of the cheap banquet dinners. It was a learning experience though. Next time I’ll know better and I’ll hold a potpie in each hand. That should make all the difference I’m thinking.

  By the way, before ya’ll get all impressed I should admit that none of that really happened. (Hard to believe I know.)  I feel quite sure, however, that if I really wanted to, I really could do a split in the frozen food aisle. And then I’d follow it up with a standing back tuck in the produce department. (What, I watch “Dance Moms”, I know those terms. Well, sort of, maybe.) Who knows? As I’ve said before and will no doubt say again “it could happen.”