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How to be like me


Pam Ward

Humor Columnist

  Talk to yourself, a lot, outloud. Swap back and forth from thinking to thinking aloud, especially when you are in public. Ask and answer your own questions. Brag about yourself to yourself. Go back and forth with thinking, thinking aloud, and talking to your pets. They’re always reading your mind anyway. Always ask your dog if you look OK before you leave. (If you don’t she will hold a grudge and chew your shoes ...)  Which brings up, The Importance of Matching: Always use the same color eyeshadow as the top you are wearing. Extra points for matching earrings and shoes. And of course, PJ pants. (One must always be prepared for that imminent late night run to Walmart.)

  Which reminds me, When in Walmart: Push your cart with purpose. Act like you know exactly what you came for as you peruse every single aisle trying to spend that $25 that’s burning a hole in your pocket. If you look a hot mess with no makeup and bad hair act invisible. Hope and pray you don’t see anyone you know, especially former boyfriends who have probably been longing for you all these years, or old fren-enemies who will go home and call everyone from high school and tell them how fat and old you got since 1976. If you buy anything “embarrassing” (such as items related to bodily functions) hide it in your cart under some canned goods and mix it in with everything when you go to pay so the cashier won’t notice since no one else in the world ever purchases stuff like that. Then leave.

  Which brings up, Operating a Motor Vehicle: While driving, sing along with the radio, really loud. If you don’t know the lyrics just make them up. Be sure to dance around in the seat too. Be aware that people in cars next to you at red lights will stare and judge you so pretend you are either: again, invisible, or just refrain from your musicality till the light changes by staring straight ahead like you are en route to something important. Like jury duty.

  These same rules apply if you are nicely fixed up and happen to have your camera and see being in the car as a photo op. Never take self-portraits while actually driving, or you could cause an accident. Only do it at red lights. Inch your car as far away as possible from the one beside you so they won’t see and think you are conceited. Be aware at night of your flash, they will see it and then they will KNOW.

  Which brings to mind, Road rage: If someone honks at you be sure you honk back. Realize that you lose credibility if you are in mama’s van and the horn is not a normal horn and is in fact an “oogah” horn. (Thanks, daddy.) If they make mean gestures roll your window down, shake your fist and yell at them. Dare them to pull over. If they do, hit the gas and high tail it back home. IT COULD HAPPEN.


  Pam is now offering courses on how to be like her. Dress is pajama casual and classes are held each Friday night at Walmart in Locust Grove.


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